The internet has been debilitatingly parched, devastatingly eager, and overwhelmingly obsessed with the thirst traps that are coming from the one and only 81-year-old ex-con and home influencer Martha Stewart.
On Saturday, Stewart was trending on Twitter not for a new line of home goods or a new cookbook but for a passionate advertisement she made weeks ago for Green Mountain Coffee Roasters. In the video, it appears that she is completely nude save for a Green Mountain Coffee Roasters apron. She alludes to herself being “a thing of natural beauty.” As I refuse to participate in the has-she-hasn’t-she debate over plastic surgery, I can’t help but agree.
The horny ad didn’t come from nowhere. Stewart has been playing into the internet’s yearning hands for years. We’ve been asking for it, and she’s been giving it! What kindness! In one post, she dons a beautiful white silk robe with fur cuffs — the style affectionately known as an “I just killed my rich husband robe.” To my knowledge, Stewart has not participated in self-windowing and her ex-husband is still breathing, but the robe is very sexy.
This is not a particularly scandalous change in Stewart’s life — she did start off as a Chanel model — but at 81 years old, she is posting more thirst traps than many of her peers and for that, we must celebrate. She has always been hot. She was the tastefully-nude cover model for SPY magazine in 1996. She’s Snoop Dogg’s BFF. She’s taking sexy selfies by the pool and she’s eating oysters while making eye contact with the photographer and she’s kissing the camera with gobs of lip gloss on. She’s fraternizing with famous MILF lover Yung Gravy. She said she’s waiting on her friends to die so she can get their husbands but, like, in a nice way.
Every few months, Martha Stewart reminds us that she is hot. I have given up my inquiry into why she is doing this, and have decided to simply rejoice in the beauty that is Martha Stewart’s Internet as so many others have.
