All’s Fair has landed, and reader, the dialogue is dialoguing.
Ryan Murphy’s latest Hulu series is probably all over your feed right now, as the first three episodes dropped Wednesday. The legal drama sees Allura Grant (Kim Kardashian), Emerald Greene (Niecy Nash), and Liberty Ronson (Naomi Watts) starting their own women-led, women-only law firm. They’re facing down a particularly pissed-off Carrington Lane (Sarah Paulson), a gun lawyer they didn’t invite to the party (because she routinely stole their lunches or something).
Critics and viewers are dramatically divided on All’s Fair — the Hollywood Reporter‘s Angie Han called it “unforgivably dull,” and the Guardian‘s Lucy Mangan called it “fascinatingly, existentially terrible.” The show seems to be going for Dynasty “I own 51 percent of this company” energy, and whether it achieves that or not is your call. But without context, the series is absolutely meme fodder for the one-liners this objectively talented cast drops again and again.
Here’s some lines from All’s Fair that saw me spit out my coffee, fall off my chair, and throw myself into the hedge. What have I missed?
“Come on, gloves!”
Emerald cheers up her new divorce client with a compliment.
“Never mind, Cooze McGees.”
Carrington gets mad she’s not invited to join the firm.
“From cocktails to cock rings all in one 24-hour period — God, I love my job.”
Liberty gets briefed on a case.
“In honor of your big milestone, I present you with a fruit basket, organic and lightly brushed with salmonella and fecal matter. Eat a melon ball, then maybe you can all give the Ozempic you’re mainlining a rest, you fat, treacherous lawn chairs.”
Carrington sends a fruit basket for the firm’s 10-year anniversary.
“What we have here is knowledge, and knowledge is the key in the lock. All we have to do is turn it just the right way.”
Allura contributes to a briefing.
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“Pin your wig down, Allura, because this might blow it back.”
Emerald about to serve up hard cold truths.
Emerald Greene (Niecy Nash) and Allura Grant (Kim Kardashian).
Credit: Hulu
“You don’t give us what we want, everything we want, those eggs will never see the inside of Allura’s hoo-ha, because I will personally slather them in A1 Steak Sauce and eat them with a side of fries.”
Carrington, uh, negotiates?
“Well, it is New York City, which is an island, so it’s safe to assume there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
Liberty offers romantic advice.
“Somebody has a revenge vagina!”
Emerald being supportive.
“Will Jane Austen really help you to adjust to aging and gravity and public opinion?”
Allura gets real.
“You know me — I’d do anything for you, except represent you, which I wouldn’t do even if I were penniless and starving on a street corner, forced to blow a priest with the chlamydia for a bowl of refried beans.”
Carrington politely turns down a job.
“Piggy wiggly titties, or as they call them on the farm, sow teats.”
I am not giving you any context for this Emerald moment.
“Mayor McHead Cheese, Diane Sawyer, Lola Falana, George Washington.”
Carrington addresses her nemeses outside court.
“Allura, when are you going to get mad? When are you going to twist off his scrotum and feed it to him in small, raggedy pieces? When are we doing revenge?”
Liberty offers a suggestion.
“Bore someone else with your directions, I know where I’m going.”
Carrington doing the most.
‘I’m good at women.”
One man’s attempt at seducing Dina Standish (Glenn Close).
All’s Fair is now streaming on Hulu and Disney+.
