We knew those Build-A-Bear people had to be freaks.
The mall and children’s birthday party mainstay has launched a new product line with a description that frankly just sounds kind of dirty. “HeartBox” is a series of gift boxes that contain tchotchkes and, duh, a bear, that aren’t meant for Build-A-Bear’s usual customers — which, please God, are usually kids. Instead, Build-A-Bear describes the line as an “adult gifting brand.”
Sorry, it can’t just be us. “Adult gifting” makes it sound like Build-A-Bear is launching a weird line of bear-themed sex products, right? RIGHT? We know, we know, it’s probably only differentiating that these boxes are for “adults” because, again, those usual customers are (HOPEFULLY) children.
But c’mon, they gotta know what “adult entertainment” means! When you’re in the business of making bears (and not, ya know, bears), it’s on you to watch the innuendo, Build-A-Bear.
HeartBoxes are launching with four different themed boxes. And indeed, one of them is the “Romantic at Heart” box, with marketing copy that invites you to “Set the Mood.” Hello Build-A-Bear! Maybe all that wink adult gifting wink wasn’t in our heads. The box comes with “well-coordinated items such as gummy bears, tumblers, and candles.” Throw a plush bear in there and hot damn do you have the makings of a night to remember.
Build-A-Bear actually already has a bunch of bears meant for adults that live on a portion of the company’s website called The Bear Cave. You have to acknowledge that you’re 18 or older to enter the site, which really got me excited that I was maybe gonna see some like, bears with dicks.
The fact that this bear cave has a digital red velvet curtain? Promising.
Credit: Screenshot: Build-A-Bear
Alas, the Bear Cave seems to be where collectible-level bears live, which is why they’re for grown ups, duh. But don’t worry! There are also sassy bears seemingly made for exhausted moms (there are sloths wearing t-shirts that say “nap queen”), or for partners in the dog house/bear cave who want to deliver the message of “I’m Sorry” on the t-shirt of a toy. Other bears in the Bear Cave are, in fact, ready to have a good-ass time, though. Some come bearing bottles of bubbly and wine, and one of them is just… Satan. Am I into bears now??
Bears: They’re here to party.
Credit: Screenshot: Build-A-Bear
Mr. Bear, have I been bad?
Credit: Build-A-Bear
If one thing is clear, it’s that these bears fuck. And maybe, with their help, you can too.
