5 phone habits to avoid in your relationship, according to therapists

Two’s company, three’s a crowd. And in this case, the third wheel in your relationship happens to be lurking in your back pocket. Yep, it’s your phone.

We spend a great deal of time thinking about our relationship with our smartphones — our shame-inducing screen time, our inability to watch our favourite TV shows without second-screening, our over-reliance on AI to complete everyday tasks.

But, what about the role our phone plays in our relationships? Is your iPhone inadvertently creating friction in your once-harmonious union? Does your significant other secretly resent just how often you look at your phone when they’re talking to you? Does your partner annoy you intensely when they lie in bed and scroll on their phone next to you?

It’s no secret that we spend a lot of time on our phones. Research shows that couples spend over a quarter (27 percent) of their time together using their smartphones. Not only that: in the same study, researchers also found that when partners choose to interact with their phone instead of their significant other, it can decrease relationship satisfaction and wellbeing.

The impact of tech on our relationships is something we shouldn’t ignore. 35 percent of people say that being on their phone makes them feel less willing to be intimate with a partner, according to research by sex toy brand Lovehoney. For millennials, that figure is even higher — 45 percent of whom feel this way.

I spoke to psychotherapists and couples counsellors to find out which of our phone habits could be damaging our relationships.

Reaching for your phone after sex

Reader: it happened to me. I was lying in bed with a man after getting intimate. We were both naked, our legs entwined. Usually, this is a time for deep chats, laughter, and softness. But, instead of enjoying this moment of tenderness, he reached for his phone and began scrolling. Any closeness that I’d felt in that moment immediately evaporated. The moment was gone.

My experience is not unique — 25 percent of people are reaching for their phone straight after sex, according to Lovehoney research.

Matthew Bernarda, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) at Twelve South Recovery, advises against using your phone after intimacy. “This is the moment of greatest vulnerability between two partners. When one of them immediately reaches for the phone that moment does not end naturally,” says Bernarda. “It is abruptly interrupted. The partner without the phone feels ignored and feels like that moment was less important than the notification that just arrived. Unfortunately, what I see in practice is that that feeling is remembered for a very long time.”

“This is the moment of greatest vulnerability between two partners.”

Bernarda adds: “The most expensive thing you can give your partner costs nothing. It is your full presence. And ironically the thing that is stealing it fits in your pocket.”

Phubbing

The term “phubbing” is a portmanteau of the words phone and snubbing and it refers to the act of ignoring your partner to scroll on your phone instead. Phubbing can show up in various forms: answering phone calls or scrolling on one’s phone during a conversation, texting others while you’re in the middle of quality time together, or checking social media. You might not even realise you’re doing it, but it can leave your partner feeling unimportant, ignored, disconnected and even disrespected.

“Even the smallest distractions from communication can make another person feel ignored,” says Bonnie Lambert, LMFT at Crestview Recovery.

Lambert says “partial attention” in relationships can cause problems even if it’s unintentional. “It is possible to be physically in one place, but mentally somewhere else, which can slowly erode the emotional bond between people,” she says.

Natasha Davalt, licensed associate marriage and family therapist, says “micro-disconnection” is a big problem in relationships. “It is not about a single event, but rather an ongoing one, where a person keeps checking the phone in the middle of a conversation, does not really listen, and responds slowly,” says Davalt. “After a while, this will signal to the other person a competition for their attention, thus losing connection.”

Checking your partner’s phone without permission

Trust is foundational in relationships. Bernarda says reading your partner’s messages without permission is the digital version of going through their pockets.

“It ruins trust in a relationship and it shows that the person going through the phone is looking for proof that everything is okay,” he says. “But here is the thing. The act of going through the phone is proof itself that something is wrong. And that something has nothing to do with the phone.”

Repeated monitoring of a person’s online communication is a coercive control behaviour. If you feel unsafe and have been experiencing coercive control, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (U.S.) 800.799.SAFE (7233). If you’re based in the UK, call 0808 2000 247.

Parallel scrolling for hours on end

I happen to be a fan of spending time in companionable silence — that delicious shared quiet where neither person feels the need to talk because you’re so comfortable with one another. And sometimes, that harmonious comfort can take the form of parallel scrolling, both of you dissociating as you have a bit of time on TikTok or Insta. In short bursts, it can be lovely.

“…the illusion of closeness…”

But clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer, co-founder of U.S. Therapy Rooms, advises against parallel scrolling for hours on end.

“The majority of couples I have worked with as a clinical psychologist did not start out with phone usage as an issue within their relationship; however, it is how many couples will allow themselves to use their phones that may ultimately be the downfall of their relationship,” he says.

If parallel scrolling goes on for too long, it allows both individuals to “into separate digital world for hours.”

“In psychological terms, parallel scrolling allows the partners to create the illusion of closeness while at the same time decreasing the emotional connection between them,” he says. “Over time, many couples begin to stop sharing random thoughts, laughter, or brief periods of intimacy due to the lack of spontaneity created by digital distractions.”

Using your phone to avoid conflict

It’s not fun having difficult conversations. And for the conflict-avoidants in the room (hi!), our phones can become a crutch; a means to avoid getting into the nitty gritty of it all.

“The phone has also become a shield,” says Kendall Maloof, who holds a PhD in clinical psychology and is clinical director at Eagle Creek Recovery. “When partners need to have an uncomfortable conversation, in most cases, one of them reaches for the phone.”

Using your phone like this means you’re physically present but emotionally unavailable. “What I find interesting as a therapist is that in most cases, the partner who does this is not even aware that they are doing it. It is simply a learned defense mechanism that activates every time the situation becomes uncomfortable,” says Maloof.

What to do instead

Now that I’ve told you what NOT to do, with therapists’ advice, it would only be fair to give you some alternatives. Here are a few small, achievable tweaks that can make all the difference in your relationship.

• If you and your partner enjoy parallel scrolling, consider giving yourself a finite window of time before stopping and doing something else.

• Lambert says “one of the healthiest things a couple could do is to find ways to set apart time each day without their phones.” You could try not using phones at mealtimes, keeping phones out of the bedroom, or scheduling dedicated quality time sans phones. Davalt echoes this, recommending setting up phone-free periods, even if they’re just short breaks.

• After sex, avoid reaching for the phone. Enjoy the closeness between you and your partner.

• If you notice that you’ve been on your phone a lot, don’t beat yourself up. Instead: turn to your partner and ask them a question about your day.

• “When your partner talks to you, physically put your phone down, turn towards them and make eye contact,” says Ruta Drungilaite, founder of A Twist of Date, which specialises in creative date night ideas.

• When your partner enters a room or returns home, acknowledge them or greet them instead of continuing to look at your screen, suggests Drungilaite.

• “Say good morning to your partner before you check your phone,” Drungilaite adds.

JLo once sang “my love don’t cost a thing” (banger). And she was right. Some of the most valuable things in a relationship are time and attention. Give them to your partner, not your phone.