‘The Cat in the Hat,’ reviewed in the style of Dr. Seuss

Ever since I was a small Who, I have loved Dr. Seuss. 

His Sneetches, the Lorax, Horton — the joy they induce!

I gobbled up books, shorts, and feature films, too. 

I giggled, sang along, and even cried a boo-hoo! 

But one of his heroes had a movie fall flat, 

That rascally sharp dresser, the Cat in the Hat. 

In 2003, Mike Myers tried in live-action.

Audiences marveled at what the duck happened.  

Now comes an animated The Cat in the Hat. 

What am I, a critic, to say about that? 

Voiced by Bill Hader, this feline is fun. 

Lively and silly, with shenanigans. 

He brings with him his Things One, Two, and beyond, 

Plus a goldfish who wags a fin at things done wrong. 

But the focus of this kid’s movie is odd: 

The Cat in the Hat might lose his job.

He works in the business of bringing kids joy, 

And is assigned to a girl and a boy. 

They’ve just moved and are feeling quite sad, 

But it’s not enough to make them feel glad. 

The Cat must appease his bullying boss, 

Who worries about the collateral costs 

Of how the Cat brings mirth to kids near and far. 

The Cat’s only ally is Sherri from HR. 

If that sounds convoluted, oh, just you wait. 

This story gets overcrowded to a terrible state. 

A mother-daughter squabble kicks off the action, 

Then a MacGuffin makes for a time-travel distraction. 

There’s also a monster in hot pursuit, 

And a pesky landlady to boot! 

Erica Rivinoja and Alessandro Carloni direct and write. 

Their animation is warm, delicately textured, and bright. 

The voice cast has performers spirited and merry, 

Like Quinta Brunson, Xochitl Gomez, and Matt Berry. 

Sure, there’s fun to be had in this Cat’s appearance, 

But too many fart jokes hurt the experience. 

Dr. Seuss got silly and kooky indeed. 

But such potty humor is not his speed. 

With an overstuffed plot and action chaotic,

The movie’s message feels half-assed and quixotic.

Hader’s The Cat In The Hat is certainly better than Myers’. 

But so is plucking out my nose hairs with needle-nose pliers. 

In the end, I can’t cheer this cartoon’s feline joker. 

Best I can say is that this movie is mediocre.

The Cat in the Hat opens in theaters on Nov. 6.