Sabrina Zohar on the dating advice that will sabotage your love life

If he wanted to, he would. If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Spend just a smidgeon of time on dating TikTok, and you’ll likely be greeted by one of these hackneyed platitudes. TikTok is riddled with bad dating advice that reduces the human experience to a set of rigid rules.

Relationships aren’t that simple, says certified dating coach Sabrina Zohar, author of the New York Times bestseller Why Am I Like This? She believes the black-and-white thinking that dominates dating advice on social media could be holding us back from actually getting to know people.

Zohar is beloved online for her no-bullshit approach to dating. With 6.3 million followers across social media, she hosts the Sabrina Zohar Show, which is currently ranked in the top 0.05 percent of podcasts globally. Her no-nonsense insights don’t always land, however. “I get yelled at all the time,” she tells Mashable in an interview. “I get yelled at for saying ‘Someone texting you or someone not texting you doesn’t mean they don’t like you.’ And people lose their marbles because it’s safer to hold on to a narrative they believe than to create something new because it takes more bandwidth.”

“I don’t think people are dating to connect,” she says. “I think they’re dating to be chosen.”

So hold onto your marbles, but toss these pieces of dating advice that are likely holding you back.

If he wanted to, he would

First up on her list of least-favourite pieces of dating advice is: “if he wanted to, he would.” And she’s not alone in her dislike for this all-too-popular TikTok cliché. In 2020, I wrote about my distaste for this particular piece of advice. People in my life have said it to me in response to my own dating woes, and it usually makes me feel worse than I already do. Imagine you’re already dealing with heartbreak or disappointment, and someone essentially implies that the person you were dating didn’t want it (or you) badly enough. Cool cool cool, guess I’m not enough!

“If the world were just about want, we would be in a very different place,” says Zohar. “Want and do are two different fundamental parts of your brain.”

“Now, I’m not excusing shitty behaviour. If somebody is treating you poorly and you say, ‘Well, if he wanted to, he would,’ maybe that person genuinely just doesn’t have the awareness, the bandwidth, and the capacity. That doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

“Maybe that person genuinely just doesn’t have the awareness, the bandwidth, and the capacity.”

And just because someone doesn’t have capacity, that doesn’t mean we accept the bare minimum. A person can really like you, but still lack the self-awareness and emotional availability to be consistent and communicative.

If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.

Another annoying dating line that’s trotted out far too often is: “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

“The reason I don’t like it is because dating is very confusing,” says Zohar.

“To me, what actually matters is someone who cares about you, cares about their intent and their impact on you. That’s what matters here,” she says.

Don’t sleep with them until the 3rd date

The third date rule — the idea that you shouldn’t have sex until at least the third date — was popularised in the 1990s by Sex And The City and is still widely accepted in dating culture today. The reasoning behind the rule has historically been so that women aren’t perceived as “too easy” or “slutty” in heterosexual dating scenarios — patriarchal ideas steeped in slut-shaming culture and purity culture. To many of us, these ideas feel outdated and out of place in modern society, but sadly misogynist discourse still reigns supreme online. And the manosphere’s obsession with women’s body counts has reignited conversations around women’s number of sexual partners and its supposed bearing on her “value.”

Zohar is now engaged to her partner Ryan, and she proudly asserts that she did not abide by this rule. “I fucked my partner on the first date, and here we are four years later, and he wants to marry me,” she tells me.

That doesn’t mean you should sleep with someone before you’re ready, of course. It takes time to build trust and connection. Whether it’s the first, third, or thirteenth date, sex should only happen when you feel ready to take that step.

“No one has to sleep with someone until they’re ready. Like, please do what feels authentic to you,” says Zohar.

Never show a man too much interest

Plenty of TikTok dating advice leans heavily into playing games and creating an air of aloofness. As a millennial woman who grew up hearing that we shouldn’t text back straight away and should carefully curate an air of “cool girl” nonchalance, this kind of advice comes at a cost. Typically, playing games like these forces you to be inauthentic and to ignore your own needs. As Zohar explains: “There’s a thread of, like, ‘Want to know how to lose a guy? Show him interest. Answer quick. Make a plan. And don’t worry, he’ll run.'”

And, sure, maybe that advice will work for a little while. Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen, and all that. But are you being real?

“What you’re doing is you’re perpetuating inauthenticity,” says Zohar. “Self-respect feels authentic, whereas the dating games feel performative.”

“You want authentic? You want real? You’ve got to be real.”

“You want authentic? You want real? You’ve got to be real,” she adds.

The right person won’t trigger your anxiety

Zohar also hates the narrative of, “Well, the right partner shouldn’t make you anxious,” or, “The right partner won’t trigger you.”

“It’s like, that is a fucking lie,” she says. “Your partner will trigger you.”

Speaking of her own relationship, Zohar openly admits that she gets triggered by things her partner says. “There are times where he says stuff, and I’m like, ‘That is not supportive.’ Did I have to break up with him because of that? No, because then we would have been done after date one.”

“Relationships are a mirror,” she adds. A person can be an excellent partner to you, but you can still feel anxious, insecure, confused, and scared of losing them. Expecting your relationships to be free of emotional discomfort will set you up for disappointment.

Bad relationship advice is everywhere on social media. And sometimes the TikTok algorithm can sniff out heartbreak or even dating anxiety before you’ve even uttered the words out loud. Once you engage with one or two of these videos, your entire feed will be full of it. Zohar says that social media algorithms seem to actively reward bad dating advice. That’s typically because bad advice often comes in the form of declarative, binary, black-and-white statements that lack the nuance needed when talking about dating and relationships.

“I refuse to do clickbait,” says Zohar. “I refuse to do the binary. And so, if you don’t create division, the platforms don’t want you.”

Human beings are complex. Dating is confusing, and relationships are full of emotional ups and downs. TikTok’s abundance of catchy dating advice might feel instructive in the moment, but it could be distorting your ideas of what real relationships are really like.

Why Am I Like This? by Sabrina Zohar is published by Merky Books in the UK and Penguin Random House in the U.S. Purchase it from Barnes and Noble and Amazon.