Stephen Colbert and his Late Show writers have one segment where they can truly revel in some casual wordplay, “Meanwhile,” which picks up on all the weird news you might have missed.
The segment always begins with an outlandish introduction which uses an elaborate metaphor of something excellent, applying it to Colbert’s pristine monologue, then associating the half-assed version of said creation with the contents of “Meanwhile.”
Colbert changed the name of the segment while filming the show from home during the pandemic to “Quarantinewhile,” and delivered pure joy during a terrible time with this superb intro format.
The Late Show put together a montage of the best “Quarantinewhile” intros and folks, you’ve got to respect the extreme metaphor stretch. For example:
“I spend a lot of time carefully picking the ripest news berries from the topical coffee tree, gently hand-pulping them to remove the beans, then drum-roasting them to perfection to create the strong yet delicate Italian espresso that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, I like to throw together a half-finished can of Red Bull with some bath salts and a shot of Fireball to create the lawsuit-ready bootleg energy drink of news that is my segment, Quarantiiiiinewhiiiiiile.”
“I spend a lot of time combing the news aisles of Party City selecting the perfect top hat-wearing skeleton, giant fuzzy spider, and remote operating boiling cauldron to create the dazzling perfectly crafted front yard of Halloween horrors that is my monologue. But sometimes, folks, I like to rinse out a four quart Ziploc of gravy I found in the freezer filled with raisins, leave it on the front porch with a Post-It note saying ‘take a fistful’ for the half-assed Halloween grab bag of news that is my segment, Quarantiiiiinewhiiiiiile.”
And that’s just two of them.
